Diary of a Cancer Patient

This has become my most valuable possession: 

It is but a simple, coil-bound notebook approximately 4" wide x 6" long. Weathered. Covered in doodles. Most people have something of this nature in their drawers or at the bottom of their purse, perhaps near the phone if a landline is present. I have several that I use with varied purpose from compiling grocery lists to recording thoughts and ideas that present themselves throughout the day. This notebook was at one time in my possession but eventually ownership was transferred to my father. He used it as a medical diary of sorts. 

There is no linear narrative. Dates bounce from page to page and may contain anything from the day's food intake to a concise recording of every medication that was ingested. My father was on a lot of medication. I'm just now learning how potent they were. 

What makes this simple, coil-bound notebook so valuable to me are the final messages that my father wrote on June 28. They are indiscernible. The hand – and mind – used to write them clearly reeling from the effects of a massive stroke that would, in a matter of hours, steal all mobility from the man I often described as a "Clint Eastwood"-type. A strong man. A tough man. Someone that was rarely vocal about the pain he experienced but was ultimately vulnerable enough to record it. 

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My father's final writing: "me go". 

Revised Bucket List

While walking home from work the other day, I ran into someone I hadn't seen in a year. Once upon a time she was a neighbour in the first apartment I lived in after moving to Saskatoon. We were quick friends that initially bonded in anger over our slumlord's questionable – often illegal – practices, but then came to realize how similar our upbringing and personalities were ("only children" tend to be a breed apart). 

"Deborah - where have you been?" she asked. "I was literally just thinking about you, wondering what you were up to!"

After telling her about my father's unexpected diagnosis, decline and much too early death, she related her own story of losing her mother. Every emotion, every circumstance I've been going through a new commonality between us.

It's funny how life works.

How just the right people seem to enter one's life at just the right time.

There's more to this existence than simple happenstance. There has to be. Coincidence could not possibly be so perfectly, intricately, wondrously orchestrated. Another friend explained it as such: "our souls all have something to learn in this lifetime. Different people help us achieve it…if we open ourselves to the possibility."

No matter how dark my mood or dour my outlook, I've constantly been reminded that I am not alone. These feelings may hold their own validity but they are finite. Under a rock, around the corner or within the fire lies the resolution the soul seeks, unveiled by both angels and devils alike. 

My main goal right now is to outlive my mother. 

As I'm 34-years-old and she's 65-years-old, this should happen without question. In the grand scheme of things though, the choice isn't entirely within my dominion. At the end of my father's life, he questioned living a frugal, healthy lifestyle only to spend his final days at war with his own body. "Eat the cookies." he told me in regards to denying my sweettooth. "Your grandfather did and he's eighty-five. I didn't and I won't make it past sixty-three." 

There are too many external, unpredictable variables when it comes to choosing longevity. It is a wish, a whet desire, unattainable without luck and perhaps a bit of fate. Therefore, I've set my sights on another, less ambitious, measure of success: quality. 

A revised bucket list. Short. Sweet. Challenging but within reach. These are my revised goals in life:  

 1. Climb Mt. Fuji. Airfare purchased. Hotel booked. Nine months to increase lung capacity. 

2. Complete and publish "248 Days", a book I am writing in honour of my father about living with terminal illness. His story needs to be shared with a bigger audience. I will be his conduit.

3. Take my father's remains to Varanasi, India. He always wanted to visit this place. I will ensure that he does. 

4. Learn how to cook at least one dish. It's embarrassing how unacquainted I am with the kitchen.

5. Stop counting the minutes and savour the days. 

6. Visit the Isle of Mann, birthplace of the Clague surname. 

7. Add one more language to my skill set and be able to speak it fluently. I know beginner's French and am now learning Japanese. I want to be able to speak these without cheat sheets though. 

8. Photograph the Skeleton Coast of Africa. 

9. Move to Paris. 

10. Accept that fate doesn't always immediately present itself as positive. 

Small Town Mall

While in Winnipeg over the summer, I learned that a locale from my youth was slated for demolition. Fort Richmond Plaza was a mall near the University of Manitoba servicing the southern suburbs, including my 'hood St. Norbert. Anchor tenants Safeway and Zellers shared space with retailers as diverse as a a jeweller to a Chicken Delight to several hair salons that doubled as social clubs for the elderly. Most of these businesses moved out long, long ago, leaving a building that was nearly vacant for the better part of a decade.  

Despite south Winnipeg becoming a hotbed of development over the years, Fort Richmond Plaza never changed. It's interior bleak; the mall was perpetually stuck in 1983. This is why I liked it. This is why I'll miss it. Walking through those doors was like entering a time machine back to my childhood. I recall my mother buying me my first Barbie there. In high school, this is where the truancy officer would have found me (if they ever bothered to look). 

Prior to its demolition, a security guard granted me access to photograph the abandoned structure. I hope to continue this "Small Town Mall" series in the future, as these former hubs of commerce disappear from the retail landscape. 

Fort Richmond Plaza right before demolition (©Deborah Clague)

Fort Richmond Plaza right before demolition (©Deborah Clague)

A security guard smokes a cigarette while guarding vacant Fort Richmond Plaza (©Deborah Clague)

A security guard smokes a cigarette while guarding vacant Fort Richmond Plaza (©Deborah Clague)

Empty shelves of a recently closed Safeway  (©Deborah Clague)

Empty shelves of a recently closed Safeway  (©Deborah Clague)

Vacant interior of Fort Richmond Plaza (©Deborah Clague)

Vacant interior of Fort Richmond Plaza (©Deborah Clague)

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The Trouble With Dreams

A few weeks ago, I experienced a dream that acutely tapped into dormant senses. It involved my father, again, embracing me, again. As he gave me a big bear hug, my head nuzzled tightly into his neck, the musky odour I associated with him from childhood manifested the air. I woke up immediately believing him to be in the room with me. And that's the trouble with dreams; their denial of reality a reminder of how disquieting life can be in comparison. 

As the date of October 26 nears, I've been thinking about how surreal the annum has been. This date - this godforsaken date of wretched despair - is the first commemoration of the worst year of my life. On this date twelve months ago, I was awakened by Monty gallivanting through my condo after returning from an early morning walk with my father who was in town on one of his monthly visits. As I opened my bedroom door, reaching out to take away a squeak toy and playfully scold the furry beast for disturbing my peace, I heard my father ask "are you up?"

At the time, I thought this was strange. Normally he'd be sitting on my couch watching British comedies on a channel I subscribed to primarily for his entertainment. Conversations would surround the long drive in from Winnipeg and the terrible drivers that plague Saskatchewan roads. As per routine, he'd then inquire what I wanted for breakfast. He always had a McDonalds coffee and fruit-and-fiber muffin. The exact change to purchase such lined up on his dresser the evening prior. "Are you up?" seemed like it had an obvious answer; superfluous small talk that didn't need to happen between two people well familiar with each other's habits. I only had about three seconds to ponder this though. When I looked up at my father's face to respond, I could see tears stream down his cheeks.

The first hit. Wounded. 

Then, through a cracked voice that was barely audible, "I have cancer and I have less than a year to live".

The second hit. Fatal. 

He pulled me close and gave me a bear hug, my head nuzzled tightly into his neck where I could feel his tears stream down his face onto mine. 

My father after his first round of radiation (hair loss at treatment site visible in picture at left)

My father after his first round of radiation (hair loss at treatment site visible in picture at left)

Two nights ago, I dreamt of my father again. I can't remember the full context of the narrative, I only recall his voice and the words of wisdom he was passing on. Mirroring my awakened state, I was depressed. Lost. Seeking deeper meaning and a glimpse of nirvana, even if superficial or fleeting. His response was "don't worry. Go ahead and do it."

I awoke.

Do what? 

This advice can pertain to way too many things going on right now, many of which require more substantial therapy than a well-meaning reminder quoting a Bobby McFerrin song. If he's trying to counsel through my subconscious, my father is going to have to be less vague, I thought to myself as I reached for my iPad at 3:23am. 

If there's an upside to insomnia, it's being forced to glimpse a side of the world that one forgets about during regular business hours. In my case, I read Japanese blogs as these are the only ones routinely updated with new content while my timezone – 15 hours behind Tokyo – is in deep REM. I appreciate the attention to detail that is placed on all facets of the culture from art and design to various social graces. Even something as mundane as drinking a latté has been turned into a magical experience, however superficial and fleeting.  

I've been in the early stages of planning a trip to the country since my father died on July 3. In his final weeks, I promised him I would climb Mt. Fuji on his birthday in 2015. I'm not sure why exactly. I just kinda randomly threw it out there. I think I was looking for a grandiose way to express how special he is to me and that I would never, ever forget it using the date as a way to commemorate this love every year eternal.

I resisted booking a ticket though. Mt. Ontake had just erupted, leaving dozens killed. There are predictions that Fuji may do the same. I'm also in shit shape with no motivation whatsoever to better myself. Wheezing up a mountain for two days would probably kill me if lava and ashes didn't. I decided to check aircanada.com though, to see if there was any fluctuation from the $2300.00 single round-trip ticket price that had been listed. 

There was. A thousand dollar difference actually. 

My father, famous for frugality, may have nudged me at that exact moment to "go ahead and do it". To book that ticket. I did. 

I believe what he was really telling me though was "don't worry. Just live."

My dad with two Harajuku girls in Tokyo (2009).

My dad with two Harajuku girls in Tokyo (2009).

What It Is

There's a stack of books sitting on my living room floor. Mostly art and design-related, with a few on the subject of dealing with grief and belief systems pertaining to the afterlife. They've been there since Spring. I only move them when I vacuum. They get upgraded to my bookshelf once read but this can take awhile. 

I have a serious problem buying books and then letting them sit for months (occasionally, years) before I am fully ready to open their covers and immerse myself into their worlds. It's not for lack of interest but rather an abundance of. When reading a good book, I want the moment to linger. I give weight to every sentence. Life to every metaphor. Imagine how long it takes me to get through a truly great book. This is a truly GREAT book: 

It's not a children's book, but every page is lavishly illustrated. 

It's not a how-to manual, although it does provide ample advice and inspiration. 

It's not something to read; it's something to experience. An exploration of life, the creative process and breaking free from monotony. Lynda Barry is an author, artist, mage. 

Highly recommended; buy "What It Is" here.