The Magic Bullet

I only recently subscribed to the full cable television package through Shaw. Before this, my life was a miasma of bad reality programming and even more horrid 'Friends' reruns (I can't be the only one who dry heaves at the sight of David Schwimmer). Now I can't get enough OLN. Not only because it offers me a daily 'Amazing Race' fix, but because it is THE station for bad awesome infomercials! I guess physically active individuals in the 18-34 age bracket are the primary demographic for such innovative, time-saving devices like Slap Chop, Bumpits and this - the only product ever endorsed by swingers - the Magic Bullet.  

It begins not-so-innocently enough at a breakfast bar in a McMansion, which is curiously stocked like an all-you-can-eat buffet. "Berman", a used car salesman/alcoholic junkie, is one of the first overacted characters to arrive. He is offered a fruit smoothie to ail his woes, the previous night clearly having taken a toll on him. I suspect an anal probe was involved somehow, possibly as part of a Freemason ritual gone awry. As he chugs his pint of strawberry-banana deliciousness, more people enter the scene. The "bar" is filling with middle-aged spread faster than the Palomino club on a Friday night. Drinks are passed around. Omelettes served. The morning after is clearly time for post-coital celebration and product demonstration. 

They use this "Magic Bullet" to make a morning feast including freshly-ground coffee, muffins...did somebody say muffins? Holy shit! Who is THAT?! A muu-muu wearing, chain-smoking hag has entered the kitchen. It is never stated whether "Hazel" (said hag) is with Berman or was perhaps invited to the orgy in a blind date scenario with him in mind, but clearly they are OTP. Even though they are sitting on opposite ends of the room, I feel the unbridled passion - and shared lice infestation - between them. 

Now I don't know how to cook, but after watching this infomercial I have learned two things:

  • the Magic Bullet can do any job in the kitchen in 10 seconds or less, including stuffing a turkey and boiling an egg
  • every meal starts with chopped garlic

It appears you don't even have to wash this thing. For three easy payments of $33.33, I'm sold! You even get a second set free...I'd give it away, but I want the party to be at my house. Just bring your own strawberries...and bananas. 

 

Electric Avenue

While flipping through television channels the other day, I came across this video on Much More Music. I had forgotten how epic this track was/is. It sounds as fresh today as it did in 1983. This song needs to be revived: 

 

Dinosaurs RULE!

This evening I went to MTS Centre to watch 'Walking With Dinosaurs'. It. Was. Awesome. Hosted by some dude dressed like a paleontologist, the show is based upon a BBC series of the same name that was released at least a decade ago (I have a DVD of it laying around somewhere). While there is an educational component to the "arena spectacular", the reason most people attend is to be entranced by the life-size animatronic dino recreations. They did not disappoint. For the show's two hour duration, it felt like Jurassic Park had come to life in downtown Winnipeg and for once the oldest creature in our midst wasn't Harvey Smith. 

From pea-brained Stegosaurus to the absolutely ginormous Brachiosaur to the cunning clique of Utahraptors, the event included a wide variety of Triassic, Jurassic and Cretaceous beasts. Tyrannosaurus Rex was, of course, the rock star of the evening and closed the show. As it let out a final menacing roar directed at the audience, I heard more than a few young children in attendance cry in terror. Who could blame them? The species had to be pretty badass to still be considered the most fearful carnivore of all time, millions of years after extinction. I doubt the lion or Mickey Rourke will share that fate.

All in all, I give Walking With Dinosaurs 5 out of 5. If you don't have plans this weekend, I highly, HIGHLY recommend checking it out (the engagement at MTS Centre ends Sunday, July 19); tickets start at only $22.50. For more information, click here.  

Music Makes People Come Together

It's become cliché to say at this point but a part of me died yesterday. Over the past 24 hours, I've been reflecting on how important music is in my life. How it provides inspiration. How it provides education. It's amazing how songs have the power to change one's perspective or mood - how often has a stroke of lyrical genius revolutionized a generation? Or, on a more personal level, how often has loneliness crept into our hearts, only to be banished by a distant voice coming out of the radio offering reassurance (or perhaps reason)? How often are our greatest memories defined by the soundtrack of our times?

As I mentioned previously, some of my earliest memories involve Michael Jackson. He was the first entertainer I appreciated without bias from peers. His music moved me...literally. I can vividly recall my 3-year-old self dancing around the living room to the truly epic "Thriller" LP. Even though I had two left feet, I desperately attempted to mimic every move from the "Beat It" video. I never did master its choreography, but I can muster a passable moonwalk. Maybe. Its success is dependent on wind direction, time of day and whether or not I ate an egg for breakfast. 

As his curious personal life became increasingly scandalous (overshadowing any musical output), Michael's influence on my CD collection waned. His sister Janet became the person I fashioned myself after. Regardless, I remember the buzz my classmates and I had after the 1993 Oprah interview. We finally were granted a glimpse inside well-fabled Neverland - The rides! The games!! The llamas!!! It was glorious and it was all we could talk about for a month. Juxtaposed to his 2003 interview with Martin Bashir, the decline of health and wealth is absolutely heartbreaking.  

I took my dog for a walk today and Michael's music blared from nearly every vehicle driving past. Then I came home and watched as thousands of people gathered at makeshift memorials while singing and dancing to those same tunes. It's made me realize that music is not simply an extension of language, but rather something entirely separate from it. It is biologically tied to a primal need for community. And within these songs, these silly little pop songs, a lot of us found that. I did. The unity with which I observe people celebrating Michael's life proves that pop culture is not low-brow. What other form of artistry can unite people on such a mass scale, regardless of colour, culture or creed? Music is the thread that makes people come together.

:(

This is my kindergarten school photo. Yes, I am wearing a "Thriller" dress. I also owned, at the time, one sequined glove and a miniature red leather jacket. I'm not even making this up...I was hardcore. Michael Jackson was my childhood. Watching current news reports, I must say, regardless of the circus his life has become, I would be saddened if anything happened to him. 

EDIT: I am saddened.