Introducing...

...MONTY! aka Montgomery, aka McNugget, aka Sir Mix A Lot. He's a 5 month old "eskipoo" that is the quietest wee pup I've ever encountered. He's already learning from big bro Reggie (aka Reginald, aka McDude, aka Snoop Dogg), loves going for walks, is mesmerized by the television set and has a taste for the finer things in life (but oddly, does not like Milkbones). Monty will be the inspiration as I launch this in the near future.

If you see him out-and-about, feel free to say hello. Or sniff his butt. Either way, he's friendly. 

Happy Valentine's Day

I be spending it with these:

Clockwise from Top Left: The Confession (Cherry), White Chocolate Berry, The Confession (Cherry), Our American Cousin (Mexican Vanilla), Little Green Men (Mint), The Prohibitionist (Rum Butter), High Risk (Orange)

Saskatoon vs. Winnipeg (EDIT)

Somewhat settled in, I finally have time to properly write about my first impressions of Saskatoon and...I love it here! Manitobans are raised to hate on our prairie counterpart to the West. It's actually part of the curriculum in middle school. From playful, booze-fueled taunting at a Banjo Bowl tailgate party to a former crown corporation* using questionable stereotypes as a punchline in their recent advertising campaign, Saskatchewan is the butt of many jokes - and I heard them all, thrice, when I informed people of my relocation plans. But I can alter your perception, change your opinion and make you question everything you think you know (including the existence of Cher).

Here are my reasons why Saskatoon > Winnipeg:  

1) Safe, Lively Downtown  I would not live in downtown Winnipeg. At times, I didn't like working in downtown Winnipeg. It's a depressing place suffering from neglect, apathy and one dozens of boarded-up buildings that may or may not be used to store Jimmy Hoffa's corpse.

Compared to downtown Saskatoon, where I have taken up residence, I have yet to be confronted by - or even encounter - any vagrants, the sidewalks are phlegm-free and people actually take the time to say 'hello' to each other. Plus, we're getting a grocery store soon. Automatic win.

2) Circle Drive  It's not technically a circle, more like a deflated octogon that is missing a few sides. But nonetheless, Circle Drive BLOWS MY MIND! It is an incredibly efficient way to get around the city and the closest thing I have encountered to a freeway on the prairies. Sure, Winnipeg has the Perimeter...but you are pretty much out in the boonies for 85% of its duration (the other 15% lies near the outskirts of *shudder* Transcona). To get anywhere within the city, you are forced to trek down a route that has a stoplight at every block...none of which are synchronized.  

3) Bridges  Seriously, who doesn't love a good bridge? They make traversing the water so much drier.

4) Super Wal-Mart  I have never claimed to be classier than a 70s-era polyester leisure suit. And when I need to buy one, I head to Walmart. I can now fill my cart with all the tacky clothing, bulk toilet paper and arterie-clogging food I desire as Saskatoon has not only one, but two(!) SUPER Wal-Marts! It's like taking a daytrip to Grand Forks...only without the border hassle, poor exchange rate and boring as hell two hour drive. If a Target comes here, I think I will spontaeously combust from the excitement.

5) Bonanza  Bizarrely, Saskatoon does not have a Taco Bell...but there is a Bonanza Steakhouse. I wrote a blog post long, long ago that talked about my love for this restaurant chain. When I was a child, my family would go there every payday for a nice flame-grilled steak. It was a simple time before boys, zits and puberty and I look back on it fondly. They've since filed for bankruptcy, but Saskatchewan remains a viable market and is currently the only place in Canada where you can dine at one.

So excuse me while I get dressed in my finest paisley garb and head out for an evening of fine dining making out like a swine at the all-you-can-eat buffet.

EDIT: I would like to add a sixth point that I discovered just this afternoon. The Province of Saskatchewan provides FREE wireless internet across the business districts of Saskatoon, Regina, Prince Albert and Moose Jaw. Progressive. 

*Try making fun of Toronto. You will hurt their feelings.

Obladaisms

• This is hilarious. One day I shall contribute some of my own freelance experiences - including shameless requests for unpaid work favors and the always comical (if only in retrospect) excuses given when collecting on overdue invoices. In the words of Rodney Dangerfield, designers "don't get no respect." Also, in the words of the Yip Yip Martians, "yip yip yip yip yip uh huh uh huh". 

• Will write a longer post about my first week in Saskatoon later, but just wanted to give a shout-out to two of my favorite things: pizza and cupcakes. Voted best in the city for the past seven years, Vern's Pizza is one of the most delicious pies I have EVER had. It also weighs a tonne...they don't skimp on the toppings! Secondly, The Cupcake Conspiracy should probably be excommunicated for their sinful offerings. Drooling at "The Prohibitionist" and "The Confession". Thank god there's a gym at my residence. :S

No.1 with a Bullet

The Japanese Shinkansen is the most technologically advanced method of transportation I have ever seen. Style and substance, they arrive at the station like clockwork...and leave just as fast. The Shinkansen waits for no one - you literally only have a few minutes to get on/off before it darts down the track again like a bullet. 

Riding the rails is a great way to witness Japan's population density up close. The entire distance from Tokyo to Hiroshima (approx. 894km) is one never-ending city. In between municipalities like Kyoto, Osaka and Kobe are just like neighborhoods in one gigantic megalopolis. It's overwhelming...as is the view when sitting in a shinkansen. Whizzing by at over 300km/h, it was hard to appreciate the blur scenery at times.

But, when whizzing by at over 300km/h, at least the ride is never long. 

Only in Japan

By night, Tokyo is a glorious technicolour explosion. By day, Tokyo is actually rather hideous, a jumble of grotesque postmodern architectural styles with no cohesive synergy. It left me cold. But I do have to admire Japanese ingenuity chutzpah; they rather shamelessly copied - and made bigger, better, bolder - such world-famous icons as the Eiffel Tower ("Tokyo Tower"), Brooklyn Bridge ("Rainbow Bridge") and Spice Girls (?!). My personal favorite building was the headquarters for fashion retailer H&M which looked like it was constructed of vellum paper. Very cool. 

One thing undeniably unique to the country are its lavatories. Made by unicorns in the magical land of Narnia, Japanese toilets offer more excitement than the rides at DisneySea. Deciphering the non-English instructions were a crap shoot at best though; with one wrong push of a button, you could be met with a blast of cold water or an unexpected enema. Clearly I wasn't the only foreigner who was puzzled, as made clear by this sign at the Metropolitan Government Office (at right).  

Japanese television is also a riddle, wrapped in a mystery inside a Hot Pocket. I have never experienced so many "WTF" moments in my life, especially during the relatively serious evening news. Set colours were all bright neon, headlines flashed across the screen in a typeface that made Comic Sans look like the epitome of high style, and the lead newscaster used a "chicken arrow" to help the viewer make sense of it all. Yes, a cartoon chicken on an arrow was somehow the most lucid part of the whole gong show. Only in Japan.

I want to go back SO BAD!!! 

 Rainy Night in Shinjuku:

View from atop the Tokyo Metropolitan Government Office: 

H&M Headquarters, Tokyo: 

Japanese roadside construction barriers:

Delivery truck (note its size in comparison to the Mini Cooper):

A shaky image of the Rainbow Bridge complete with faux Statue of Liberty
(Eiffel Tokyo Tower lurking in the background):

Operational controls for a Japanese toilet:

Goodbye Portage & Main

This bird has flown.

The past few months have been a whirlwind. If you had told me six months ago that I would become another statistic of the recession, I wouldn't have believed you. If you had told me three months ago that I would be thisclose to morphing into a female George Costanza, I wouldn't have believed you (although I must say, velvet is fabulous). And now, 2010 brings with it immediate change...I have taken the advice of Horace Greeley The Pet Shop Boys and am heading west to the land of living skies. 

There is much that I love. There is much I will miss.  

I bid thee adieu, Winnipeg.  

Goofy

It is my life's goal to experience every Disney themepark in the world. A lofty ambition of which I came one step closer to achieving by visiting DisneySea. 

Riding the subway in Tokyo is, at times, quite challenging. There are so many different lines, signs and people that getting lost is inevitable. Our trek to DisneySea was no exception; I'm pretty sure that at one point we momentarily entered North Korea. But alas, through patience - and a keen eye - we received our very own white rabbit to follow in the form of a little girl dressed like Alice in Wonderland. 

The monorail, often the first point of entry into Walt's magical world of delight, is one of the most iconic aspects of any Disney themepark. Its uniqueness here was diminished though by their omnipresence as an everyday public transportation method in Tokyo (boy, do I wish I could have this observation in regards to Winnipeg. Our civic government is currently trying to get us excited about rapid BUS lanes. Wheeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!). Also, this is the only Disney themepark I have ever been to where you had to pay to get on the monorail (500 yen). Quite odd and I felt it should have been included with the full ticket price (5800 yen). Whatevs though - getting reacquainted with one's inner-child is priceless. 

My first observation upon entering the gate was that this was, by far, the most physically beautiful Disney themepark; the level of detail was absolutely mind-boggling. Built literally ON Tokyo Bay, the main areas revolve around H20-themed ports and include Mediterranean Harbour, American Waterfront, Mermaid Lagoon, the Arabian Coast and Mysterious Island (which is rather ambiguous). While there was lots to look at and appreciate, the most important aspect should be the attractions...and, sadly, DisneySea lacked in this area. A self-confessed thrillseeker, I tend to judge rides based on their ability to cause involuntary bowel movements. It is safe to say that this themepark will not require you to bring a spare change of underwear (unless of course, you visit during the high-season and encounter the infamously long line-ups). Standouts may have been the Tower of Terror (different plot than Orlando), Sinbad's Storybook Voyage (a less annoying "It's a Small World" with lots of camels), and Journey to the Center of the Earth (dinosaurs will never not be awesome). To be honest though, the thing I remember most from my visit was encountering curry-flavored popcorn. 

I like to think of myself as a Disneyphile. For instance, not many people know that the animation style of Sleeping Beauty was influenced by medieval tapestries or that the crocodile from Peter Pan once acted as spokescreature for Timex until a drug scandal embarrassingly ended his tenure (and career). However, DisneySea brought surprises. The most popular character wasn't Mickey Mouse or Goofy...it was a teddy bear (name unknown, picture below). I would guesstimate that 97% of the people in the park owned one of these bears. They were EVERYWHERE, flying off the shelves and even taking their own seat on some rides. Another surprise? I saw Donald Duck wearing pants. Mind. Blown. Now if only Lady Gaga would follow suit. 

All in all though, DisneySea made for an entertaining day. 

Big in Japan - the teddy bear character at DisneySea:

 Ambiguous Island: 

The American Waterfront (thankfully not modeled after the Jersey shore): 

Indiana Jones Adventure: 

Mickey and the Gang: 

Godzilla!

Fast asleep. Dreaming of florescent lights and crazy Tokyo nights, when suddenly the room starts shaking. Ever so slightly, but enough to wake me from slumber and imbue a sense of mortality. I was experiencing my first earthquake!

My first thought was: "on the 14th floor, there's nowhere to go but down."

My second thought was: "getting crushed by a giant neon Sony sign would be the ultimate post-modern poetic death. A 21st century cautionary tale warning about the dangers of conspicuous consumption that would take it's place amongst the folklore of future civilization." 

15 seconds later, it was over. A non-event that no one but I (born and raised far from any active tectonic plates) probably noticed. I fell asleep again, but awoke three hours later hungry for a cheeseburger. Later in the day, I would discover Lotteria.  

Turning Japanese

Walking the streets of Tokyo, you can't help but notice the sheer number of vending machines dispensing pretty much everything under the sun for the price of pocket change (cold beverages, hot beverages, beer, underwear). I made use of their convenience daily, the warm lavender tea being especially delightful on a rainy December day. Bizarrely-flavored drinks were a big trend actually, with a limited edition azuki bean-flavored Pepsi being sold as a seasonal collector's item (I tried it, not bad although a bit "mouthwash-y"). Japan was also home to the oddest Kit Kat flavors I have ever encountered, including ginger ale, Kobe pudding and red beak soup. 

Food-wise, I will admit that I was not looking forward to eating raw fish for three weeks. Japanese cuisine, while all the rage here in North America it seems, is just not my cup of warm lavender tea. But then I remembered that the best way to travel is to let go of any inhibitions and be completely immersive in the foreign experience. I remembered this after witnessing how much spaghetti they eat in Japan. TONS. They sure love their marinara - and so do I. My culinary indulgences were not without incident though; I did mistakingly purchase a dish of noodles with chopped octopus in it. It was...interesting. And by interesting, I mean it was like chewing a soy sauce-soaked prophylactic.

Restaurant chains that are near bankrupt here in North America seem to thrive in Asia. Case in point: of all the pizza joints to encounter (sadly, there were few), the only recognizable name I came across was SHAKEY'S! Don't get me wrong, I have fond memories of my parents taking me to the Shakey's in Grand Forks, ND back when I was a kid. But to be honest, in recent years the building resembled a rodent sanctuary. Krispy Kreme, which was hit hard by the recession last year, did brisk business in Japan as well. The location near my hotel always had a long, winding line-up of customers comparable to a top attraction at Disney. They even posted estimated wait times (which at one point was a good 45 minutes). Ya really gotta love donuts to endure that!  

My favorite place to shop for meals was in the basement of high-end department stores, the likes of which made Eaton's (R.I.P.) and The Bay look like Giant Tiger. Seriously, you have not experienced service until visiting the likes of Takashimaya or Mitsukoshi. One day I bought a 200 yen (approx. $2.25 CDN) macaroon cookie, which the sales associate promptly wrapped in a box and then placed in a stylish, tissue-laden gift bag. It made me feel like I was buying a necklace at Tiffany's or something. The cost of the packaging had to have been more than the cookie itself! But all of this left me jaded upon returning home to Canada; my great expectations of being briefly treated like a member of the aristocracy sorely deflated after purchasing a pricey business suit at one of the aforementioned high-end department stores and being met with the query: "do you need a bag?"

In Japan, it's estimated that there is one vending machine for every 23 people (current population 127,550,000):

The plastic food menus outside restaurants in Japan made ordering easy:

Shakey's Pizza (WTF?):