When I was twelve-years-old, I wanted to be like Mariah Carey. I, of course, had her albums (or, rather, cassette tapes) and would try to emulate—poorly—her famous five octave vocal range while dancing in the basement. But like every little girl seeking someone to idolize, I also wanted to look like her. By replicating her appearance, I felt I could also pass as beautiful and talented and thus become respected and beloved rather than skirting the edge of being an outsider in the notoriously fickle arena of junior high (which I was about to enter). The summer before starting at my new school, I begged my mom for a haircut and PERM(!). To my credit, a perm was still “of the time” and I wanted to make a statement. I needed to be a new person for this milestone event in my young life and it was all to start with my hair. She obliged and we went to a small, nondescript salon in the basement of a small office building in our neighbourhood. I shared an image of Mariah from her MTV Unplugged appearance (above) and told the stylist it was what I wanted to look like. She reviewed it briefly and asked me to sit down. Through age and experience, I would realize this response means someone doesn’t really give a fuck what you want but at the time I was still able to naively believe they cared.
I can’t remember how I felt when it was all done. My parents certainly made no comments that weren’t positive but that would be short-lived. During a visit to extended family, I overheard an aunt laugh and comment to another on “the bad perm” I had. Negatively commenting on a kid’s appearance within earshot is never something that adults should do, lest they internalize it and have it lead to a life-long complex, but it did have the benefit of preparing me for the reaction I would receive when I started school. Needless to say, my transformative appearance did turn me into a new person, as I wanted, just not the person I desired to be. I was not Mariah. I was Deborah … with really bad hair.
I relate this story as I am reading Mariah’s memoir The Meaning of Mariah Carey and it brought about a flood of 90s nostalgia for me. I pivoted towards other music as junior high and then high school progressed, with Courtney Love becoming the person I chose to emulate (I’m sure to the dismay of my parents) but childhood icons have a way of being part of our lives even as we move on. When I turned eighteen and started to visit nightclubs nearly every weekend, Mariah’s evolving, more urban sound continued to provide soundtrack in passing. Not to mention the fashion sense of the time which she led with now straightened hair and midriff-revealing tops and thigh-revealing skirts (which I now lack the body and confidence to pull off but am glad I did when I could). When she visited my hometown during the Emancipation of Mimi tour, I bought tickets and was entertained with one of the top three best concerts I’ve ever attended (with The Hives and M.I.A. being the other two, showing how diverse my music tastes evolved).
The book details what I long assumed. That the diva persona Mariah took on is mostly a one-sided act to a multi-dimensional artist. That appearances of having it all can betray the truth. That childhood trauma reverberates through the decades. There’s also candid talk about the notoriously shady music industry; her creative process and favourite part of writing a song; a toxic, stifling marriage; and, relationships that leave one longing, with Mariah admitting that her affair with baseball superstar Derek Jeter (unconsummated until divorce, she stresses) left her heartbroken for years about what could have been. Rarely do you see someone so vulnerable as within these pages and it is completely refreshing. Reading about her life as an adult made me relate on a level beyond the superficial. Rather than coveting her appearance, I now admire her resolve.
The Meaning of Mariah Carey
Written by Mariah Carey with Michaela Angela Davis
Favourite line: “But ours is a story of betrayal and beauty. Of love and abandonment. Of sacrifice and survival. I’ve emancipated myself from bondage several times, but there is a cloud of sadness that I suspect will always hang over me, not simply because of my mother but because of our complicated journey together.”
The Gift of Fear
Written by Gavin deBecker
I’ve always felt that a women’s superpower is her intuition. This book delves into why we should listen to that instinct, breaking down the strategies and tricks people use to let your guard down leaving you vulnerable. The author will teach you how to use fear to your advantage by recognizing potentially dangerous situations and (predictable) behaviours in a number of scenarios.
Favourite line: “Nature’s greatest accomplishment, the human brain, is never more efficient or invested than when its host is at risk.”
On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft
Written by Stephen King
During these times of social distancing, self-isolation and tons of newly-found free time, I’ve been motivating myself to learn more about the art and craft of writing. In addition to taking a workshop with one of my favourite authors, Anne Lamott, I’ve also read through tips from another, very well-known master: Stephen King. This book acts as a brief memoir into the life of the famous horror and supernatural author, his childhood and struggles (including the 1999 accident in which a distracted driver almost left him paralyzed) but the other half of it’s too-short 291 pages is straight-up insight into how to write in a way that connects and illuminates. Highly recommended.
Favourite line: “I distrust plot for two reasons: first, because our lives are largely plotless, even when you add in all our reasonable precautions and careful planning; second, because I believe plotting and the spontaneity of real creation aren’t compatible.”
My favourite Mariah song (written about Derek Jeter while still married to Tommy Mottola):