3 Nights 'til Halloween

I have never personally seen a ghost, but I am quite open to the belief of their existence. Several people in my circle who would never, EVER admit to seeing one have confided about paranormal experiences that they have no logical explanation for. One tale involves a notoriously haunted church in St. Andrews, Manitoba.

Back in 1967, Donald* and several of his teenage cohorts decided (on a dare) to make their way to the church to possibly witness the strange phenomena firsthand. After entering late at night to nothing more than empty pews, the boys eased their fears by cracking jokes and engaging in adolescent mischief...but the jovial atmosphere was shortlived. The sound of footsteps emanated from the stairwell near the only door. Creeping closer, the group of teenage boys made a dash for the exit but as they did so, a "haze" filled the air which was later described as "grayish-white" in appearance and "odorless". After safely exiting, they realized that a getaway would not be easy - all four tires on the automobile used to get to the church that dark, starless night were slashed. Cruel joke? Or just another haunting at St. Andrews parish? There are things in this universe that we as humans aren't meant to know. But we can believe.

*Name has been changed for privacy.

4 Nights 'til Halloween

I have always been somewhat of a night owl. I enjoy staying up until the wee hours of the morning reading a book or listening to the radio. One late-night program that I rarely miss is Coast-to-Coast AM. Hosted by George Noory, the talk show covers a variety of topics ranging from politics to the supernatural. For those less inclined to stay up until 5:00am, there is also a podcast available. 

Some of the best shows on Coast-to-Coast AM have to do with Electronic Voice Phenomena (EVP). EVP are speech or speech-like sounds that are inaudible during initial recording but detectable upon playback. One of the most interviewed guests on this fascinating subject are members of the Ghost Investigators Society. Listening to a few of the sample EVP recordings on their website is better than caffeine for keeping one wide awake...but side effects may include trembling, paranoia and involuntary urination. Boo. 

5 Nights 'til Halloween

The most ghastly ghouls come out to play on the nights leading up to All Hallows Eve. Vampires, zombies, the creature from the cotton ball lagoon...er, WHAT!? If you have a bizarre phobia (or are seeking an acting school credit), the Maury Povich Show is willing to exploit it:

Peaches, Pickles, Balloons... this is must-see TV, people.

6 Nights 'til Halloween (Part II)

Upon arrival at Double Spurs Ranch, a gentleman with a slouched demeanor and curious spectacles approached our vehicle. I assumed he was part of the set up, a nearsighted ogre-type character perhaps meant to scare us into paying a parking fee. Unfortunately, he was just the disgruntled neighbour informing us that we were parked on his property and had to move immediately. I wasn't aware that public roadways were considered part of someone's private residence, but I guess they do things differently in the country, y'all. I also noticed that disgruntled neighbour had turned all his lights on (including a flood light shining onto DS Ranch). Despite being a Halloween-themed event, it was clear that Ebenezer Scrooge took delight in ruining the merriment of others year-round. 

We made our way in, guided by a giant inflatable spider and hoardes of drunk teenagers looking for a cheap legal thrill. Snaking under a circus-style big top, the line was lengthy but expected. In total our wait time was about 20 minutes. Added to the hour we spent finding the place, I admit that I was more prone to let out a blood-curdling yawn than a piercing scream but I still anticipated a good fright. 

We happened to be paired with a group of middle-aged woman. Being the fearless 20-somethings that we are, we let them head into the unknown first both out of respect and fear that our potential squeals would somehow undermine the disaffected facade we worked so hard at maintaining. The first display depicted an Egyptian tome that quickly segued into a pirate motif. Admiring the extraordinary details, I couldn't help but notice that there was a lifesize dummy of Fabio. It may have even been the real deal...I'm pretty sure he's hard up for work these days. 

Following the winding trail of terror, we encountered an alien probe, a reenactment of The Exorcist, a tribute to Juggalos/Stephen King's 'It', and a torture chamber playing the collected works of Creed. Pretty scary stuff indeed. I screamed like a girl more than once, which shouldn't be surprising considering I am one. Upon departure, we were chased by a chainsaw-wielding maniac which may or may not have been that disgruntled neighbor. All-in-all, it was a fun way to spend a Friday night. My only complaint is that the entire walk-through lasted less than 10 minutes and there were no other attractions on-site to really compensate for the lengthy, out-of-the-way drive out there. Hopefully they expand on their offerings in the future.

7 Nights 'til Halloween (Part I)

Every year, I make the effort to attend a Halloween-themed attraction in or around Winnipeg. This year, I was informed of a more mature haunt that recently opened at Double Spurs Ranch. After reading the legalese on their website warning people with weak hearts that they enter at their own risk, I knew I had to attend (with or without my trusty pocket defibrillator). Thus began a journey into the unknown (literally). A Friday night filled with deserted backroads, bad FM music and Juggalos. Yes, there were Juggalos. 

Not wanting to head out on an empty stomach, we decided to make a pitstop at Mr. B's Pizza & Chicken in Transcona. As a self-proclaimed connoisseur, I feel their pie is the best in town. Possibly all of Canada (sorry). But before I digress further and this paragraph turns into a blatant, shameless ploy to get free pizza (not that I wouldn't welcome it, I'm pretty morally ambiguous when it comes to these things), I shall continue my tale of terror. With our hunger properly satisfied, we hit the highway full throttle. A Chevy Cavalier blazing a trail into the abyss (or more accurately, Dugald, Manitoba).  

I printed off a map with step-by-step instructions on how to get to Double Spurs, but it didn't really help much. The highway was so pitch black that street signs became unreadable. The ranch didn't offer any other directional aids upon approach, at best a missed advertising opportunity (at worst, a major annoyance). Thus began our long, meandering search down the gravel backroads of the rural municipality of Springfield. Driving aimlessly, I started to worry that this was all an elaborate hoax to entice eager horror fans to their demise at some sort of Aleister Crowley-type human sacrifice. The crescent moon, once concealed by an overcast sky, seemed to mock us. Taunt us. Then, it enlightened us...or more accurately, helped illuminate dozens of cars sitting on the side of the road: we had reached our destination. 

To be continued...

8 Nights 'til Halloween

I should have posted this earlier in the day but since I technically haven't fallen asleep yet, there are still eight nights left until All Hallows Eve. Based on what I'm about to post though, I'll be counting sheep to a million before I get any shut eye. For I just visited the Youtube channel for Hollywood-based "performance artist" Shaye Saint John, a master of the macabre:

9 Nights 'til Halloween

It's a fact that 98% of the internet consists of porn, cat macros and conspiracy theories. With only nine terrifying nights left to go until All Hallows Eve, we shall focus on the latter, specifically the Illuminati's methods of mind control in popular culture. Did you know that Beyonce is a devout follower of Satan? Or that everyone in the advertising industry is out to corrupt your soul by means of subliminal messaging? Could your neighbour be an evil shapeshifting lizard from Mars? Am I? Muhahaha...

As I sit here listening to 'Single Ladies', eating flies and determining the best method to manipulate people into purchasing unnecessary goods and services, I reflect back on one of our greatest achievements. Getting the 20th century's most prolific band to insert subtle odes to Lucifer in their vast catalogue of work thus influencing a generation of babyboomers to, er...become accountants and stuff.

You say you want a revolution? Turn me on, dead man: 

10 Nights 'til Halloween

Saluting your favorite band by wearing facepaint to resemble a psychotic clown is a rather harmless pursuit. In the grand scheme of things, Juggalos are simply this generation's KISS Army (albeit with less class, taste, IQ and teeth). Something more troublesome lurks in our collective consciousness. An invisible monster with a taste for devouring the souls of both young and old alike. Vanity was never more a punishable sin than in the 21st century. Our modern Babylon demonstrates this: welcome to the nightmare that is Hollywood. 

Andy Warhol famously quipped that one day everyone would be famous for 15 minutes. I think one day everyone will look the same, all bottle-blonde, cancerhide, collagen-puss, silicon breasted clones. And thin. Sickly so. But who cares about health (physical or mental) when you're beautiful:

11 Nights 'til Halloween

Clowns are scary. But something even more terrifying - and all too real - prowls the streets of modern suburbia...lurking in select convenience store parking lots in search of dignity and Faygo. They are the people that follow these clowns. They are Juggalos. 

If you've never heard this term before, consider yourself lucky. What was once the product of a secret experiment conducted by the FBI to study the effects of methamphetamine use during pregnancy has evolved into a cult of "dark carnival" worship. Congregating en masse every year at some unfortunate city in the midwest, the Juggalo's bring with them chaos, mayhem and disease that scientists haven't yet identified. Oh and bad music. Really shitty music. 

Should you perchance witness these feral beasts in their natural habitat, it is recommended to not make direct eye contact. While the creatures display plumage associated with drawing attention to themselves, it is always best to divert one's gaze, lest you encourage their behavior. They are known for being anti-social outside of their pack and will most likely bite if approached. Thus far, breeding within the subspecies has been successfully controlled thanks to new advances in lasik technology. Extinction is predicted by 2025.   

It is rumored that the following video of their annual gathering has made proponents of evolution join the clergy post-haste. Darwin down: